the _ theory
we've created theories for everything - and it's a little ridiculous
If you’re chronically online like me, you’ve heard every theory being thrown around on TikTok, Instagram — and yes, even right here on Substack — left and right, front and center, up and down.
“The 3 Month Theory.” “The Hair Theory.” “The February Theory.” “The October Theory.” “The Let Them Theory.” “If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late Theory.” “The Boiled Egg Theory.” “The Dead Dog Theory.” “The Taxi Cab Theory.” “The Burnt Toast Theory.” “The He Borrowed My Pencil in 7th Grade Theory.” “The One Time I Waved Back at Someone Who Wasn’t Waving at Me Theory.”
Throw any word between “the” and “theory,” and suddenly we’ve invented a new framework for explaining the painfully predictable patterns that can happen to any one of us, at any time in our lives.
God, I’m getting war flashbacks just writing these. I was a believer in almost all of them — especially the Three Month Theory. A few of the ones listed above I completely made up just to prove a point, to make them sound as ridiculous as they are — because that’s how easily we create them.
When did “theory” stop meaning something rooted in research and scientific inquiry, and start becoming the explanation for why the person you’ve been seeing for two months suddenly isn’t texting you back?
Your friends suddenly start acting distant, so your mind immediately excuses it with “The Let Them Theory.” You didn’t get the job? That’s fine, it must be “The Not Everything Is Meant for You Theory.” Let me guess, you’ve been dating someone for a while, and now that you’re approaching your anniversary, “The Three Month Theory” is about to start manifesting in your life?
Have any of you stopped to consider that maybe there doesn’t need to be a theory to explain your behavior or someone else’s at all? Maybe it’s just human nature. Maybe it is — in its simplicity — just a part of life.
Everywhere I look, there’s a theory for almost everything — and it’s exhausting.
Yes, there are months and moments in time when we all seem to share the same experience or feeling. It’s unsettling, the way complete strangers can relate to your situation so precisely it feels like you’ve been caught on a camera you didn’t know was there. Like I said earlier, I was a firm believer in the Three Month Theory because that was usually when everything started falling apart. But as I’ve gotten older and my frontal lobe has developed a little more, I’ve realized it isn’t some cosmic pattern unfolding on schedule. It’s just human behavior.
Your relationship is starting to have issues? Spoiler alert: all relationships do. The real question is what you and your partner are going to do to work through them, because comprehension and communication go hand in hand.
You didn’t get the job you’ve been dreaming about? That’s okay. Rejection can be redirection. I once didn’t get hired for a job I was more than qualified for, and at the time it felt personal, but it wasn’t.
Your best friend of — let’s say — six years is distancing herself? Sometimes we outgrow the people we grew up with. That’s not some catchy theory at work. That’s human behavior. That’s life. It is normal to shift away from people who once meant everything to us.
It’s October and now you’re bracing yourself because something bad always seems to happen that month? Well, good luck. I have zero clue why some months hit harder than others.
I think, and this is important because it’s simply the way I see it, that the theories we’ve created are just excuses to avoid facing harsh truths. Most of the time, things aren’t happening because they’re trying to fulfill some theory you saw on TikTok. They’re happening because that’s human nature. Face it, shit happens.
My advice? Stop psychoanalyzing every little behavior or conversation and automatically attaching a theory to it. You’re not a psychologist, a therapist, or a theoretical physicist drafting the Theory of Relativity.
It’s simply life. And in the wise words of Michael Jackson, “Tell them that it’s human nature.”